NaNoWriMo 15

As another NaNoWriMo starts to draw to a close I find that I have a few days left.  I might be able to get a last minute spurt in and get very close to the 50k, but I really have no guarantee of that.  And I know a large part of that is the irregularity that I allow in my life.  I don't read every day.  I don't write every day.  I think that is a determent.  It's something that I want to get better at.  Even if it is only a hundred words that I write and a page that I read, I think doing those kinds of things are important and should never be overlooked so that is my goal.

In the next year, I want to just set up a pattern for myself.  To write.  To read.  To do those things that I love and have started to neglect in my life.  I actually have a blog where I do write reviews of books that I have read.  So I am hoping to revive Life of a Book Addict.  I have a few books that I am reading so I do have a few that should hopefully soon be ready to go up on the blog.  As for my writing, I have another old blog (not that this has ever been a pattern or trend in my life) that I am hoping to revitalize tonight before I write my first blog post.  It is called The Wellspring.  That one was created back in 2013 when I decided it was a good idea to try and write 1 million words in a year.  Not a bad idea, but honestly, one that I did not succeed in well at all.  This goal is far more conversative, and I'd like to think, more practical.

I just want to do this for myself.  And if you'd like to follow me on the journey here and on those other blogs as well, it would be appreciate.  Support is never a bad thing.

Trying to Work on It

So, I looked back at my writing habits of late and they're not that great.  Sure I can make the excuse that I'm trying to get a manager position at my job right now (application is already submitted just waiting to hear that it is a for sure thing), but really it is just that.

It's an excuse.

I hate making excuses, but it seems like I do it a lot.  And that's really a bad thing.  Especially when I sit and watch these movies based off books or I read these amazing books and I keep thinking: I want that to be me.  My muse is ready.  It's there, I just have to push myself into that position.  I know I do.  I know that I can which is even more important.

And I really have to get out of that.  I have so many ideas and I even have one that's ready, I just, I don't want to publish it without something else waiting to join it in the next few months or however long it ends up being.  I don't want to be that person who puts up a story that clearly builds into a world and then never add anything to it.  That never seems right to me.

So, I have to fix that.  I really do.  I have to find a way to schedule time.  Motivation and reward and all of that.  Writing makes me happy.  It brings me alive.  It fills me with something that I can't explain and I refuse to give up on it and just let it go.  That means I have to come up with a plan and go for it.  I can't hold back.  And I have been.  I have been doing it for a long time.

I really need to stop that.  It's not good for me.  In the least.  I don't think it's good for anyone to hold back when it comes to what they really love.  So to writing I go.  If I keep holding back, it's gonna kill me.

Camp NaNoWriMo and Individualism

So we are almost a week into Camp NaNoWriMo and I have to say that I love how it is set up.  I know that there were some people who were a little upset that they had moved the camp to April since a lot of school events do happen around this time, but I think that they adding in the feature to choose your won word count, it allows you to set your own pace.  I've seen word count goals as low as thirty thousand words which, might seem like a lot, but that is only a thousand word a day so about three pages a day.  And there are, no doubt, word count goals that are even lower than that.  It all depends on how much time you have on your hands.

Though the site does not have it's own forums, you can find those on the main NaNoWriMo site, it does allow for the Cabins which are really fun.  It's just a concentrated group of about six people participating in the current session.  Sometime it's a group of writers from one genre or a group with a similar word count goal or jut a group of friends.  Whatever brings this group together, it is a very intimate way to keep in touch with each other and to give encouragement which, in my opinion, is very necessary when you're trying to push yourself towards any goal.

Of course self-motivation is also an important factor.  You have to know your limits while, at the same time, knowing how you can push them.  This is actually a very delicate balance.  It might not seem like a lot, but it is something so very important.  Most people don't really think about it mostly because we either settle for what we know we know we can do or we push ourselves far beyond what we have been able to do before. This is general insanity.  We're repeating the same actions without changing anything and we're surprised that nothing changes.

Then again, a little inanity can go a long way.  It all requires a bit of a balance.  Sometimes it's more sane than insane and sometimes it's more insane than sane.  It all depends on what work best for you.  Play with pushing yourself and with coasting.  Play with your wordings and how silly or realistic you want your writing to be.  Not everyone enjoys the same type of writing, the same genres.  In the same way, not every writers i going to be able to write in the same way or style.  The sooner that you accept that and find your own style, the better off you are.  This is something I've found from my own experience.  And something I thought I would share on the tale end of everything.

I'm Good at Excuses

So clearly I have not been writing lately.  Almost a month at this point which is really not good for you when you love writing as much as I do which I know a lot of you out there do.  I have been writing, but it's been for my roleplay sites which isn't a bad thing.  It's really good for socializing and it's also very good for character development.  So I won't knock it, but I haven't been focusing on my actual writing either which is the bad thing.

And I'm really good at making excuses for why I'm not writing or why I can put it off another day.  I'll even just sit there and kind of stare at a document sometimes and say well I can't think of anything so maybe I'll try again later.  And that is not the way that it is supposed to work when it comes to writing and I know that very well.  So I guess at this point there is no real excuse.  I have to stop doing this to myself.  I have to start sitting down and forcing myself to write unlike I have been.  Which means working on everything.  It'll help in  less than two weeks when Camp NaNoWriMo starts.  Of course I'll have to kick my butt into gear and write about ten times what I would normally write which is good for me because I think I need it.

I need to start looking at my writing more seriously.  I have the free time to do it these days.  That is what happens when you get laid off.  Not that I'm not still looking for a job.  I wouldn't be getting unemployment if I wasn't looking.  But when I'm not hunting there is no reason why I can't be writing or editing.  I have to get through my novels and start actually getting them ready for a point where I could reasonably publish them which is definitely something that I want.  It is a goal that I have never forgotten despite my failings in the area of my writing.

I am getting back into my writing though.  Just last night I decided to dust off an old idea and see if I could breath some new life into it.  I have actually been doing that quite a bit this year.  I am doing that for my Camp novel as well for the novel idea that I am developing for the Two Year Novel Course on FM Writers. So honesty I think that everything is working out really well.  Now the key is if I can keep the momentum or not.

Coming Back Again

So I decided to swing by my blog today when I realized that I have been failing miserably on my whole goal of writing in this blog once a week.  In my own defense I have had some issues with my life that have come up lately, but honestly that should have pushed me closer to writing and not further from it.  And I know that looking at it.  Logically I can see that, but I guess logic isn't always something that we look at.

Over this last month I was laid off from my job.  I loved it.  But unfortunately the corporate office decided that there were too many people.  None of us had done anything wrong.  So they had to resort to the two of us who had been hired last and unfortunately I was one of them.  And that has been really hard for me.  I know that I have to find a new job, but I haven't been able to find anything.

I have applied, but I haven't been able to get a job yet.  And it's affecting me.  I know that it is.  I didn't even cry or throw a fit when I was laid off.  I think I've been burying it.  I haven't felt anything at all about it.  And I hate that.  I know that I should be able to feel something.  I know that I should have been upset.  The other girl was and I wish that I could have been as well.  But I have nothing.  It's like I died a little inside instead.

I died and I haven't been able to admit it to myself.

And maybe that is why I haven't been able to get myself to write.  I've been so worked up about what I lost and not knowing how to express it that I have virtually stopped writing.  I guess I'm still doing some writing.  I have been role-playing, but that isn't the same.  And I know that.  I think it helps that I have started a collaboration project lately.  I'm part of a facebook group from a group of us from NaNoWriMo.  Myself and one of the other women are working on a fantasy novel together and we have just meshed really well.  We both have somehow managed to just combine our ideas brilliantly.  It makes for a beautiful process.

And it's really encouraging me too.  It makes me want to go back to my writing.  That is why I decided that I am going to retry Milwordy.  I was supposed to start back in January but I only made it a few days before my brain just kind of gave out on me.  So it left me with about twenty-four thousand words for an entire month and that is a rather pathetic accomplishment.  At least it is for me.  I know that for other people it is really good and I am very proud of them.  But for me I know that I can do better.

That's why I am going to be starting another blog.  I'll still be using this one and trying to get back to the once a week posting of it.  I think it helps me a lot.  It helps me to get my thoughts in order since so much of my life revolves around writing.  Besides, I like this blog.  I enjoy being so frank and just getting to say what's on my mind.  I can't really do that in real life.  I don't think any of us can because we have to play parts or else we push everyone away.  Sometimes because we're too honest and sometimes because we have to admit that they drive us insane.

My parents and my ex-boyfriend (God I wish that ex wasn't there) fit into two different categories there.

Something Serious

I've decided that I seriously need to throw myself into writing again.  Reading is good.  Playing video games is great stress relief.  Work is essential.  But writing is something that I tend to have a bad habit of doing and then letting slide for several months at a time.  I can't continue to do that.  The more that I do that, the less likely that I will ever be to actually do what I want to do one day which is to be published.

And I know that's the goal of a lot of people who call themselves writes, but this is something I have wanted for years.  It's something I've wanted for as long as I have been writing which has been probably over ten years now.  No, definitely over ten years now.  It's weird to think that I've been writing that long and yet not that long at all.  Writing has become something so essential to me.  It's as much a part of me as breathing or eating.

But I'm really good at neglecting the things that I need in my life.

I guess that's the real reason why I slack, I have a bad habit of not caring about myself.  Because of that, I neglect the things that matter to me and inc this case, that would very sadly include my writing.  So my goal is to use this blog to force myself to write.  That and my lovely friend Emily.  She's amazing like that and since she does have access to me I know that she can bother me into writing and I can do it to her in return.  It's a great system and honestly I think it's something we both need.

Besides, why should I give up something I love so much, something that keeps me sane, just because I don't think I should be cared about.  And maybe I'll get into the habit of writing in this blog daily or weekly or something like that.  It might help to serve as motivation and I think that'll help me out a lot.

Apparently, Texas is very good for me because I have now been in this state for over a year and the first time I won NaNoWriMo was, you guessed it, right here in Texas.  It's as if the state has this miraculous hold on me.  And to make it that much more amazing, both times, I also managed to finish the novel in the very same month.  The first had a working title of London in the Spring, a coming-of-age historical adventure which will probably be edited again several more times.  This latest one, however, is i my pride and joy.  This year I wrote a novel that I call The Faithful, the first book in a series called the Prophecy of the Goddess.  I reverted back to my beloved fantasy genre but added a more dystopic twist to everything.

Thus you have a monster of a novel (over one hundred thousand words in total).  A monster that I am more than a little proud of.  I worked very hard on it.  And now I face the daunting task of both editing it and writing the first sequel.  I'm both excited and terrified at the prospect, but it also fills me with joy.  I guess that's how I know that I'm doing the right thing.  Nothing could make me happier than to do these things.