So I decided to swing by my blog today when I realized that I have been failing miserably on my whole goal of writing in this blog once a week. In my own defense I have had some issues with my life that have come up lately, but honestly that should have pushed me closer to writing and not further from it. And I know that looking at it. Logically I can see that, but I guess logic isn't always something that we look at.
Over this last month I was laid off from my job. I loved it. But unfortunately the corporate office decided that there were too many people. None of us had done anything wrong. So they had to resort to the two of us who had been hired last and unfortunately I was one of them. And that has been really hard for me. I know that I have to find a new job, but I haven't been able to find anything.
I have applied, but I haven't been able to get a job yet. And it's affecting me. I know that it is. I didn't even cry or throw a fit when I was laid off. I think I've been burying it. I haven't felt anything at all about it. And I hate that. I know that I should be able to feel something. I know that I should have been upset. The other girl was and I wish that I could have been as well. But I have nothing. It's like I died a little inside instead.
I died and I haven't been able to admit it to myself.
And maybe that is why I haven't been able to get myself to write. I've been so worked up about what I lost and not knowing how to express it that I have virtually stopped writing. I guess I'm still doing some writing. I have been role-playing, but that isn't the same. And I know that. I think it helps that I have started a collaboration project lately. I'm part of a facebook group from a group of us from NaNoWriMo. Myself and one of the other women are working on a fantasy novel together and we have just meshed really well. We both have somehow managed to just combine our ideas brilliantly. It makes for a beautiful process.
And it's really encouraging me too. It makes me want to go back to my writing. That is why I decided that I am going to retry Milwordy. I was supposed to start back in January but I only made it a few days before my brain just kind of gave out on me. So it left me with about twenty-four thousand words for an entire month and that is a rather pathetic accomplishment. At least it is for me. I know that for other people it is really good and I am very proud of them. But for me I know that I can do better.
That's why I am going to be starting another blog. I'll still be using this one and trying to get back to the once a week posting of it. I think it helps me a lot. It helps me to get my thoughts in order since so much of my life revolves around writing. Besides, I like this blog. I enjoy being so frank and just getting to say what's on my mind. I can't really do that in real life. I don't think any of us can because we have to play parts or else we push everyone away. Sometimes because we're too honest and sometimes because we have to admit that they drive us insane.
My parents and my ex-boyfriend (God I wish that ex wasn't there) fit into two different categories there.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
A Question Before the Lightbulb
I finally have a follower!
That really probably shouldn't make me as ridiculously happy as it does, but it does please me and I have to thank her. I know who it is and my lovely co-worker has always rocked like that. But that is not what I wanted to stop by and talk about today. I just wanted to mention that before I actually went on into this particular post itself.
You see, my goal for this year is to write a million words. That would end up at around ten novels give or take the length and such. The only problem has been that I haven't written much of anything for the past few days. I haven't even been able to manage a thousand words. My muse just kind of crawled into a corner and died. I've poked it with a stick and I haven't been able to get any kind of response or residual semblance of life from it at all.
And I have to say that when you have times like this, it can be very disheartening. You look at the documents or the sheets of paper that you have set before yourself and there is absolutely nothing. It is as if the characters inside of you have refused to speak. They have all decided to turn their backs, or worse: simply drift away from you possibly never to return.
It is moments like this when we forget the reason why we always wanted to write in the first place. It is when times are darkest that we always seem to forget what writing really means to us. It becomes more about the process and the forcing out of the words rather than the art of bringing a story or an idea to life. We find ourselves caring more about the end than the means.
There are two ways of thoughts. The end justifies the mean and the means justify the end. It's two very different thought processes. But for a writer, I think you have to have both. For any artist or creator really you cannot have one thought without the other. On the one hand to do anything in your power to create the story or idea you want to build you can lower yourself to things such as plagiarism.
At the same time, you cannot only focus on the writing. When you do that, you become so focused on creating something that isn't real. You want it to be perfect and such a thing is impossible. A story is neither about the beginning nor the end. It is neither about the presentation nor the selling point. Writing is about finding what we have inside of us and letting it free. It is about blending everything together.
Of course when you find yourself becoming too technical you kill the whole the thing which is honestly the point that I think I am getting to about now. And I'm not meaning to. I don't think that we ever mean to really. It is something that just happens. Before we even realize it we lose what we were struggling so hard to find.
Sometimes we just have to go back to the basics.
Everyone seems to think that the basics would refer to grammar and spelling, sentence structure and word choice. And one some level those are a form of the basics. But there is something even more basic and essential than all of that. And it all stems from the question of: why write?
Honestly I think that if you can't answer that question than you need to have a long hard look at yourself. It is the key to everything. Why we write tells us what we write. It tells us what writing makes us and how it makes us feel. It tells us everything that we need to know. And more importantly: it gives us our inspiration. If you don't know why you write why would you ever feel the urge or the need for it? And once you can understand why that is when you can actually look around yourself and find those little things in life that draw you in. The things that make you say: this is what I want to write about or this would make an amazing line or what not.
The why comes before the inspiration. Sometimes you cannot define it. Sometimes you can't even explain it. The why that is. As long as you know it and can explain it to yourself that's all that really matters. No one else ever needs to understand it. The why belongs to you. The inspiration and what it spawns is what you give the world.
That really probably shouldn't make me as ridiculously happy as it does, but it does please me and I have to thank her. I know who it is and my lovely co-worker has always rocked like that. But that is not what I wanted to stop by and talk about today. I just wanted to mention that before I actually went on into this particular post itself.
You see, my goal for this year is to write a million words. That would end up at around ten novels give or take the length and such. The only problem has been that I haven't written much of anything for the past few days. I haven't even been able to manage a thousand words. My muse just kind of crawled into a corner and died. I've poked it with a stick and I haven't been able to get any kind of response or residual semblance of life from it at all.
And I have to say that when you have times like this, it can be very disheartening. You look at the documents or the sheets of paper that you have set before yourself and there is absolutely nothing. It is as if the characters inside of you have refused to speak. They have all decided to turn their backs, or worse: simply drift away from you possibly never to return.
It is moments like this when we forget the reason why we always wanted to write in the first place. It is when times are darkest that we always seem to forget what writing really means to us. It becomes more about the process and the forcing out of the words rather than the art of bringing a story or an idea to life. We find ourselves caring more about the end than the means.
There are two ways of thoughts. The end justifies the mean and the means justify the end. It's two very different thought processes. But for a writer, I think you have to have both. For any artist or creator really you cannot have one thought without the other. On the one hand to do anything in your power to create the story or idea you want to build you can lower yourself to things such as plagiarism.
At the same time, you cannot only focus on the writing. When you do that, you become so focused on creating something that isn't real. You want it to be perfect and such a thing is impossible. A story is neither about the beginning nor the end. It is neither about the presentation nor the selling point. Writing is about finding what we have inside of us and letting it free. It is about blending everything together.
Of course when you find yourself becoming too technical you kill the whole the thing which is honestly the point that I think I am getting to about now. And I'm not meaning to. I don't think that we ever mean to really. It is something that just happens. Before we even realize it we lose what we were struggling so hard to find.
Sometimes we just have to go back to the basics.
Everyone seems to think that the basics would refer to grammar and spelling, sentence structure and word choice. And one some level those are a form of the basics. But there is something even more basic and essential than all of that. And it all stems from the question of: why write?
Honestly I think that if you can't answer that question than you need to have a long hard look at yourself. It is the key to everything. Why we write tells us what we write. It tells us what writing makes us and how it makes us feel. It tells us everything that we need to know. And more importantly: it gives us our inspiration. If you don't know why you write why would you ever feel the urge or the need for it? And once you can understand why that is when you can actually look around yourself and find those little things in life that draw you in. The things that make you say: this is what I want to write about or this would make an amazing line or what not.
The why comes before the inspiration. Sometimes you cannot define it. Sometimes you can't even explain it. The why that is. As long as you know it and can explain it to yourself that's all that really matters. No one else ever needs to understand it. The why belongs to you. The inspiration and what it spawns is what you give the world.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Only a Few More Hours
We are a few hours away from the New Years. Or at least I am. And I'm excited. A little nervous for it, but very excited. I really need to be productive but I have been very lazy today. I would be lying if I said that I haven't been. It's not necessarily a bad thing. I have a lot of writing that I have to do tomorrow. And I am determined to get that writing done.
I'm excited for this year. This year's goal is actually for me to write a million words. I know it's a lot. But I have faith in myself. Especially with the fact that I did manage to get a little over a hundred thousand back in November. I just basically have to go back to that pace. And I know that I can keep it up. Especially if I continue my enthusiasm. That is the key honestly. I usually don't. I know that is my problem. Thus knowing the problem I do have more of a chance to fix it. I am certain of it.
And it will be good for me. If I don't set myself a goal that I am uncertain of than I won't know if I could ever do it. I guess that is why I want to push myself so hard. And I have a group that I'm a part of now that will be there to encourage me the whole way. So I know that I can do it. So I just have to keep trying.
I know it's a really short one, but I thought I should at least say hello this week. Happy New Year's!
I'm excited for this year. This year's goal is actually for me to write a million words. I know it's a lot. But I have faith in myself. Especially with the fact that I did manage to get a little over a hundred thousand back in November. I just basically have to go back to that pace. And I know that I can keep it up. Especially if I continue my enthusiasm. That is the key honestly. I usually don't. I know that is my problem. Thus knowing the problem I do have more of a chance to fix it. I am certain of it.
And it will be good for me. If I don't set myself a goal that I am uncertain of than I won't know if I could ever do it. I guess that is why I want to push myself so hard. And I have a group that I'm a part of now that will be there to encourage me the whole way. So I know that I can do it. So I just have to keep trying.
I know it's a really short one, but I thought I should at least say hello this week. Happy New Year's!
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Call It Progress
FIRST OFF! Before I do anything else.
Alright, now that I have that out of my system, onto the rest of the blog.
So I have made some progress over the last few days. Like I have updated a story on fictionpress.com. You know it only took my like five or six months. Which is actually better than some of my other records when it comes to fictionpress and fanfiction so I can't really complain too much in that area though I really do need to get better on that whole thing.
I also started a new story on fanfiction.net and deleted several other ones. Sad, yes, but it is something I felt was necessary. The ones that I might actually go back to I saved first though so that's a benefit right? I mean I would like to think that I managed to do something right! Of course I could be wrong and have utterly screwed up everything but stranger things have happened.
Anyway, I'm starting to get kind of excited for the new year mostly because I am hoping to actually do well this year for WriYe. That being the year long spin-off of NaNoWriMo. It's unofficial, but still loads of fun and I am honestly looking forward to a lot of the stuff that I have planned for it. I figure as long as I at least write a little bit every day I'll do a lot better than I did last year. Not that that is saying something as I made about a third of my goal that I had for last year. I am much ashamed of that fact.
But let's just hope that everything goes well. Because with me, you never know. I might not do what I'm supposed to and that would make me most sad.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
Alright, now that I have that out of my system, onto the rest of the blog.
So I have made some progress over the last few days. Like I have updated a story on fictionpress.com. You know it only took my like five or six months. Which is actually better than some of my other records when it comes to fictionpress and fanfiction so I can't really complain too much in that area though I really do need to get better on that whole thing.
I also started a new story on fanfiction.net and deleted several other ones. Sad, yes, but it is something I felt was necessary. The ones that I might actually go back to I saved first though so that's a benefit right? I mean I would like to think that I managed to do something right! Of course I could be wrong and have utterly screwed up everything but stranger things have happened.
Anyway, I'm starting to get kind of excited for the new year mostly because I am hoping to actually do well this year for WriYe. That being the year long spin-off of NaNoWriMo. It's unofficial, but still loads of fun and I am honestly looking forward to a lot of the stuff that I have planned for it. I figure as long as I at least write a little bit every day I'll do a lot better than I did last year. Not that that is saying something as I made about a third of my goal that I had for last year. I am much ashamed of that fact.
But let's just hope that everything goes well. Because with me, you never know. I might not do what I'm supposed to and that would make me most sad.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Looking For Words After the End of the World
I'm not sure if we should be thanking Renegade and his wife or The Doctor for saving the world yesterday (100 points to whoever got that first reference and 50 for the second).
But since it has been saved, I did get to see the Hobbit last night. It was amazing. I loved it. I'm such a nerd that I'm already planning a huge marathon for when all of the Hobbit is done starting with Unexpected Journey straight through Return of the King (extended editions of course).
But to the true point of all of this. Despite my general laziness lately, I am very proud to say that I actually did write yesterday. I wrote quite a bit actually. Over eight thousand words I believe. I was aiming for twelve, but The Hobbit called my name. Well and my boyfriend when he arrived at the mall after work. But I digress.
I'm really happy that I made myself write yesterday. It got me through a lot of scenes that I might have put off which I really have to stop doing. I have to treat this story much like the first. I have to follow it through to the end no matter how much I may or may not like that conclusion. But considering how things are going I have a feeling I am going to have to toss my trilogy idea out of the window. And I really did think I could make this a trilogy. But I don't think that I can anymore. There is just too much in this world, too many characters too many paths to follow and ideas to discover. Especially since even I am discovering new things about the world.
Can't mention what though. Spoilers and all.
But with Christmas coming up and since I'm off three days in a row after 6:30 tonight, I think I am going to have to force myself to go through more scenes. It's scary, but it's exciting. I like discovering things about the characters and trying to figure out why some characters who were only in a scene or two in the book before might become important or have an impact that justifies the scenes that you saw them in before. Though I'm still trying to figure out why I should let them live, but I am trusting these characters to tell me their stories and I am determined to see it all the way through to the end. I owe them that much.
They trusted me with their words in the first place. The least that I could do is make sure that I show them a proper justice.
But since it has been saved, I did get to see the Hobbit last night. It was amazing. I loved it. I'm such a nerd that I'm already planning a huge marathon for when all of the Hobbit is done starting with Unexpected Journey straight through Return of the King (extended editions of course).
But to the true point of all of this. Despite my general laziness lately, I am very proud to say that I actually did write yesterday. I wrote quite a bit actually. Over eight thousand words I believe. I was aiming for twelve, but The Hobbit called my name. Well and my boyfriend when he arrived at the mall after work. But I digress.
I'm really happy that I made myself write yesterday. It got me through a lot of scenes that I might have put off which I really have to stop doing. I have to treat this story much like the first. I have to follow it through to the end no matter how much I may or may not like that conclusion. But considering how things are going I have a feeling I am going to have to toss my trilogy idea out of the window. And I really did think I could make this a trilogy. But I don't think that I can anymore. There is just too much in this world, too many characters too many paths to follow and ideas to discover. Especially since even I am discovering new things about the world.
Can't mention what though. Spoilers and all.
But with Christmas coming up and since I'm off three days in a row after 6:30 tonight, I think I am going to have to force myself to go through more scenes. It's scary, but it's exciting. I like discovering things about the characters and trying to figure out why some characters who were only in a scene or two in the book before might become important or have an impact that justifies the scenes that you saw them in before. Though I'm still trying to figure out why I should let them live, but I am trusting these characters to tell me their stories and I am determined to see it all the way through to the end. I owe them that much.
They trusted me with their words in the first place. The least that I could do is make sure that I show them a proper justice.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Consistency
I have an issue with it. There is no other way to explain it. I think that I need an active challenge to actually force myself to do something day after day. Such as a job that gives me a paycheck, or in the case of NaNo, a goal that is in sight. Even the goals I tend to fall through on. Though Texas has been pretty good for me on that area, another reason I'm certain I'm meant to be down here. But this blog is about my writing and not the other issues in my life. Unless of course they interfere with my writing, but that is another matter entirely.
God I'm rambling.
That might be because I've been up for less than an hour. I'm going to use that excuse because it sounds better than anything else that I can think of.
So, last night I was writing (novel concept I know, and yes that pun can be counted though it wasn't fully realized at first) and I was having fun. Fairly disappointed by one of the scenes. I try to make them about 1,000 words each. Alright, I should explain this before I get too far into this whole thing and have anyone who comes and actually reads this highly confused. The latest novel I have been writing, I do an italicized scene withusually no names. It's short, usually only like two to five hundred words. Very rarely are there more. And then I do two scenes which make up a chapter and are thus linked somehow. Then repeat. Well the action scenes are the ones that I am talking about.
The one that disappointed me only got out 622 words. Looking back for the future of editing: I have no idea if I'd be able to make it longer. It's a really simple and short scene. I think I milked it for all I could without drawing it out and making it utterly boring and that would be bad for both pace and my sanity. So, clearly that is not the option. I must simply accept that it is a sad fail of a scene length though it did give me some fun play with one of the characters that wasn't very developed in the first novel.
But it's being made up for by the scene I'm working on right now. I finally got back to the main city from the first book and I have to say that I really missed some of the characters there. Have no idea what in the world that they're going to be doing in this novel considering where I left them in the last one, but I really do love them!
God I'm rambling.
That might be because I've been up for less than an hour. I'm going to use that excuse because it sounds better than anything else that I can think of.
So, last night I was writing (novel concept I know, and yes that pun can be counted though it wasn't fully realized at first) and I was having fun. Fairly disappointed by one of the scenes. I try to make them about 1,000 words each. Alright, I should explain this before I get too far into this whole thing and have anyone who comes and actually reads this highly confused. The latest novel I have been writing, I do an italicized scene with
The one that disappointed me only got out 622 words. Looking back for the future of editing: I have no idea if I'd be able to make it longer. It's a really simple and short scene. I think I milked it for all I could without drawing it out and making it utterly boring and that would be bad for both pace and my sanity. So, clearly that is not the option. I must simply accept that it is a sad fail of a scene length though it did give me some fun play with one of the characters that wasn't very developed in the first novel.
But it's being made up for by the scene I'm working on right now. I finally got back to the main city from the first book and I have to say that I really missed some of the characters there. Have no idea what in the world that they're going to be doing in this novel considering where I left them in the last one, but I really do love them!
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Shame on Me
So I'm supposed to be writing daily. Not necessarily blogging daily, but at least writing and I haven't really been doing that. That makes me a very terrible person. I know that I need to remedy this, I just keep being lazy and not. Instead I have been doing other things. Like I have discovered this site called duolingo. It's pretty awesome. Basically you learn a language (right now it has the options for Spanish, French, and German with a Portuguese beta for us English speakers. And while you learn you also work on translating web pages. I have come to discover that the only part about it that really frustrates me is when you have to use the computer's mic to record you saying something in the language. For some reason it hates me and enjoys making me repeat the sentences over and over and over again before it will admit that I have them right.
It's a very distracting pastime, but it's one that I am coming to enjoy far too much. So, that leaves me with the other things that I have been allowing to distract me. I've gotten back into roleplaying. It's like a drug, a terribly addicting drug. It is also bad for my writing. I tend to not want to write when I roleplay. And I know better. I really do, but I can't seem to help it. I love the company and I love the story lines that you can create. So it won't be something that I plan to give up. I guess that the key is for me to figure out how to balance the two. I know it is possible. I just have to be smarter than my desires.
Oh God that sounds like a terrible line.
Oh, I have also picked crocheting back up. But that is a very good thing. If I keep at it that means I can start up a side business and make myself some money and I want that. I very much want to do that. I just have been putting it off because I am very terribly lazy. It's not good for me. I know that, but it would be good if I did it. And if I could write poetry I could sell that, but I think I need more practice with it. I'm not very good at writing poetry in my opinion. If I could get better and improve my penmanship than I would be in excellent condition. I guess it's all about that perseverence thing.
At least I have my friend at work though. Miss Emily has been very kind to me taking up on an offer and has started editing my NaNo novel for me. I plan to edit it as well. I'm just putting that off. I have a very bad habit of doing that. I don't like editing after all. I'll have to though. Especially since I have already started the sequel. That part is going slow. I think part of that is because I haven't actually been writing daily. If I did than there wouldn't be a problem. At least I would hope that there wouldn't be one.
It's a very distracting pastime, but it's one that I am coming to enjoy far too much. So, that leaves me with the other things that I have been allowing to distract me. I've gotten back into roleplaying. It's like a drug, a terribly addicting drug. It is also bad for my writing. I tend to not want to write when I roleplay. And I know better. I really do, but I can't seem to help it. I love the company and I love the story lines that you can create. So it won't be something that I plan to give up. I guess that the key is for me to figure out how to balance the two. I know it is possible. I just have to be smarter than my desires.
Oh God that sounds like a terrible line.
Oh, I have also picked crocheting back up. But that is a very good thing. If I keep at it that means I can start up a side business and make myself some money and I want that. I very much want to do that. I just have been putting it off because I am very terribly lazy. It's not good for me. I know that, but it would be good if I did it. And if I could write poetry I could sell that, but I think I need more practice with it. I'm not very good at writing poetry in my opinion. If I could get better and improve my penmanship than I would be in excellent condition. I guess it's all about that perseverence thing.
At least I have my friend at work though. Miss Emily has been very kind to me taking up on an offer and has started editing my NaNo novel for me. I plan to edit it as well. I'm just putting that off. I have a very bad habit of doing that. I don't like editing after all. I'll have to though. Especially since I have already started the sequel. That part is going slow. I think part of that is because I haven't actually been writing daily. If I did than there wouldn't be a problem. At least I would hope that there wouldn't be one.
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