I know more excuses. Anyone who reads this is probably tired of hearing them. Almost a much as I'm tired of making them. Not sure which of us is ahead on that scale yet. I haven't quite decided that yet. But that can come later. After all this post is certainly not about the weight of one's annoyance versus another. It is about the excuses.
Or what some people would call what I've been doing with my life.
So I very recently got a job which is good. It's very good. It should, hopefully, mean more money than I've been getting from unemployment which makes me very happy. My friend bought me a pretty new laptop too! I now no longer have the excuse of an evil keyboard. Instead, I have a very pretty laptop with Windows 8 that I adore. I also flew down to California last weekend for my grandparent's vow renewal which was really cool. But as you can imagine this has left me not only busy, but very poor as well.
Alright, poor doesn't really have anything to do with it. And even the busy isn't that much of an excuse. My job is only part-time after all. I'm just lazy and I'm good at making excuses. I am a very shameful soul and I apologize to all for that. But I am being forced into a situation where laziness and excuses can no longer be allowed.
So I suppose I should start there.
So my first year down here in Texas which would be 2011 for those of you who don't know, I won my very first NaNoWriMo. I was very proud of myself and after editing the novel, I used my five free copies from CreateSpace to print it. And then I kind of left it alone. I gave out a few of the copies but I've always held one back for my mother. I gave it to her this past Sunday while she was down in California for that same Vow Renewal.
I gave this book to my mother before Church. I'm still not sure if that was a mistake or not. I know I would have forgotten if I didn't, but at the same time, what followed was both good and bad. I should continue to explain otherwise I'll just speculate and no one will have any idea what I'm actually talking about.
The church that I went to while my family lived in Southern California so many years ago, is the one that my grandparents still attend. It's a smaller church now, but the people are good and remember me well. At the end of services, before everyone is dismissed, they do announcements. And those who have announcements can either tell someone before all of this or they can stand up (raise their hand maybe) to be called upon to give their announcement.
My dear, sweet mother raised her hand and when called upon by my grandfather who was giving the announcements, proceeded to tell everyone that I had something I would like to announce. I then stood up, having been backed into a corner and told everyone that within the last few years I had written a novel and had self-published it.
After service was dismissed, people started coming up to me and asking me random questions about it, how they could get it. It has now been decided that I shall be ordering copies and selling them to people. This is good, very exciting. I mean I love the story itself and this will force me to work on the stories that come after it. But at the same time, it's not how I thought things would turn out.
I guess that is the way that life is. It's not always going to be the way that we expect it to be. And thinking that it will be is rather silly actually. We can't assume that we know the way that life will turn out. And that is something that I am having to face. I think that is what is making me panic so much about all of it. I had this clear thought of things and my first novel to be known and wanted by people was certainly never a historical novel. I guess that is what I get for thinking.
I really need to stop doing that thinking stuff. It's clearly bad for me.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
Camp NaNoWriMo and Individualism
So we are almost a week into Camp NaNoWriMo and I have to say that I love how it is set up. I know that there were some people who were a little upset that they had moved the camp to April since a lot of school events do happen around this time, but I think that they adding in the feature to choose your won word count, it allows you to set your own pace. I've seen word count goals as low as thirty thousand words which, might seem like a lot, but that is only a thousand word a day so about three pages a day. And there are, no doubt, word count goals that are even lower than that. It all depends on how much time you have on your hands.
Though the site does not have it's own forums, you can find those on the main NaNoWriMo site, it does allow for the Cabins which are really fun. It's just a concentrated group of about six people participating in the current session. Sometime it's a group of writers from one genre or a group with a similar word count goal or jut a group of friends. Whatever brings this group together, it is a very intimate way to keep in touch with each other and to give encouragement which, in my opinion, is very necessary when you're trying to push yourself towards any goal.
Of course self-motivation is also an important factor. You have to know your limits while, at the same time, knowing how you can push them. This is actually a very delicate balance. It might not seem like a lot, but it is something so very important. Most people don't really think about it mostly because we either settle for what we know we know we can do or we push ourselves far beyond what we have been able to do before. This is general insanity. We're repeating the same actions without changing anything and we're surprised that nothing changes.
Then again, a little inanity can go a long way. It all requires a bit of a balance. Sometimes it's more sane than insane and sometimes it's more insane than sane. It all depends on what work best for you. Play with pushing yourself and with coasting. Play with your wordings and how silly or realistic you want your writing to be. Not everyone enjoys the same type of writing, the same genres. In the same way, not every writers i going to be able to write in the same way or style. The sooner that you accept that and find your own style, the better off you are. This is something I've found from my own experience. And something I thought I would share on the tale end of everything.
Though the site does not have it's own forums, you can find those on the main NaNoWriMo site, it does allow for the Cabins which are really fun. It's just a concentrated group of about six people participating in the current session. Sometime it's a group of writers from one genre or a group with a similar word count goal or jut a group of friends. Whatever brings this group together, it is a very intimate way to keep in touch with each other and to give encouragement which, in my opinion, is very necessary when you're trying to push yourself towards any goal.
Of course self-motivation is also an important factor. You have to know your limits while, at the same time, knowing how you can push them. This is actually a very delicate balance. It might not seem like a lot, but it is something so very important. Most people don't really think about it mostly because we either settle for what we know we know we can do or we push ourselves far beyond what we have been able to do before. This is general insanity. We're repeating the same actions without changing anything and we're surprised that nothing changes.
Then again, a little inanity can go a long way. It all requires a bit of a balance. Sometimes it's more sane than insane and sometimes it's more insane than sane. It all depends on what work best for you. Play with pushing yourself and with coasting. Play with your wordings and how silly or realistic you want your writing to be. Not everyone enjoys the same type of writing, the same genres. In the same way, not every writers i going to be able to write in the same way or style. The sooner that you accept that and find your own style, the better off you are. This is something I've found from my own experience. And something I thought I would share on the tale end of everything.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Sometimes...
So I think that my laptop is trying to go out on me. At least the keyboard. Since yesterday or maybe before actually, some of my keys, particularly the lovely "s" that I love to use for so many words, has not been detecting when I type it thus causing me to do it several times. At first I thought, hey maybe it's a crumb. This happens sometimes as I have been of the terrible and very bad habit of eating around my laptop. I just don't like to take the time to eat properly alright. I know it's a habit I need to get out of, but I don't really like taking those kind of breaks.
Unfortunately, it doe not seem to be a crumb. It jut seems to be the key not wanting to work properly. I don't know why. I am really hoping that my laptop holds out for me though since right now I honestly can't afford to replace it. I have to find a job first and unemployment is not enough to replace my laptop no matter how much I might or might not need a new one.
I also found the wonderful news that my parents are actually going to be coming down the first week of May. They told me they were coming down in May but they never told me when. They said they would get back to me. Found out from my step-sister. Thank you mom and dad who still do not know that I am currently unemployed. I do not want them to know either. I do not want to have that conversation. I know how it will go and how it will end. That kind of stress simply isn't worth it. I've already been to the hospital once for throwing up blood, never again thank you!
So, as you can imagine I am having to write this post more carefully than normal since I have to catch every letter that doesn't want to type itself up. It actually gets really annoying after a while. Alright, it gets really annoying really quickly if I am going to be honest. It makes me want to strangle and or beat my laptop but since I kind of need it, I am jut trying to remind myself to breath. I mean it does still function so I shouldn't really complain that much. Beside, this isn't my whining blog, this is my writing blog and I should be talking about that.
So tonight at midnight starts the April session of Camp NaNoWriMo and I have to say that I am very excited. It's nice because you get to choose your own word count. As I have no job and thus no life, I have decided to shoot for at least 85,000 words. I'll actually be working on two stories so that should help but the problem is that I can only work on one at a time. And of course you would ask: Now why would you do something like that?
Well, the answer is because they are book one and two of a series. You see it making sense now? You see, I am going back to a very old story idea. It was actually originally a short story idea. I was actually writing it for a contest at the time. I was in love with the idea. I had started it on paper and then started working on it solely on a computer. At the time, I had no laptop of my own which makes it older than I originally though. It puts it back to Spring of 2008, a year older than I thought. Well, I kept the story on a flash drive I had received from the college I was attending. One day whilst coming from Chapel, it was a Christian college, the flash drive must have fallen from my pocket and someone stole it because I never found it again. It was devastating for me.
I still had the parts that I had diligently put on paper, but having lot all of that progress took a lot out of me and so I put the story to the side. I also somehow managed to lose papers since 08 and now. So basically I am starting this story from scratch and have decided to expand and enliven all of the characters and especially the original idea. I can't believe I ever thought I could do it in less than 30,000 words. Looking back now, I see that clearly the story simply wasn't ready. It is the only reason that I can figure I must have lost it. The characters were giving me a sign.
Actually I'm just saying that to make myself feel better. Really it was utterly devastating I hate losing any part of a story no matter the length of time. But now it will have new life and hopefully I won't stab my laptop to death in the mean time.
Wish me luck!
Unfortunately, it doe not seem to be a crumb. It jut seems to be the key not wanting to work properly. I don't know why. I am really hoping that my laptop holds out for me though since right now I honestly can't afford to replace it. I have to find a job first and unemployment is not enough to replace my laptop no matter how much I might or might not need a new one.
I also found the wonderful news that my parents are actually going to be coming down the first week of May. They told me they were coming down in May but they never told me when. They said they would get back to me. Found out from my step-sister. Thank you mom and dad who still do not know that I am currently unemployed. I do not want them to know either. I do not want to have that conversation. I know how it will go and how it will end. That kind of stress simply isn't worth it. I've already been to the hospital once for throwing up blood, never again thank you!
So, as you can imagine I am having to write this post more carefully than normal since I have to catch every letter that doesn't want to type itself up. It actually gets really annoying after a while. Alright, it gets really annoying really quickly if I am going to be honest. It makes me want to strangle and or beat my laptop but since I kind of need it, I am jut trying to remind myself to breath. I mean it does still function so I shouldn't really complain that much. Beside, this isn't my whining blog, this is my writing blog and I should be talking about that.
So tonight at midnight starts the April session of Camp NaNoWriMo and I have to say that I am very excited. It's nice because you get to choose your own word count. As I have no job and thus no life, I have decided to shoot for at least 85,000 words. I'll actually be working on two stories so that should help but the problem is that I can only work on one at a time. And of course you would ask: Now why would you do something like that?
Well, the answer is because they are book one and two of a series. You see it making sense now? You see, I am going back to a very old story idea. It was actually originally a short story idea. I was actually writing it for a contest at the time. I was in love with the idea. I had started it on paper and then started working on it solely on a computer. At the time, I had no laptop of my own which makes it older than I originally though. It puts it back to Spring of 2008, a year older than I thought. Well, I kept the story on a flash drive I had received from the college I was attending. One day whilst coming from Chapel, it was a Christian college, the flash drive must have fallen from my pocket and someone stole it because I never found it again. It was devastating for me.
I still had the parts that I had diligently put on paper, but having lot all of that progress took a lot out of me and so I put the story to the side. I also somehow managed to lose papers since 08 and now. So basically I am starting this story from scratch and have decided to expand and enliven all of the characters and especially the original idea. I can't believe I ever thought I could do it in less than 30,000 words. Looking back now, I see that clearly the story simply wasn't ready. It is the only reason that I can figure I must have lost it. The characters were giving me a sign.
Actually I'm just saying that to make myself feel better. Really it was utterly devastating I hate losing any part of a story no matter the length of time. But now it will have new life and hopefully I won't stab my laptop to death in the mean time.
Wish me luck!
Thursday, March 21, 2013
I'm Good at Excuses
So clearly I have not been writing lately. Almost a month at this point which is really not good for you when you love writing as much as I do which I know a lot of you out there do. I have been writing, but it's been for my roleplay sites which isn't a bad thing. It's really good for socializing and it's also very good for character development. So I won't knock it, but I haven't been focusing on my actual writing either which is the bad thing.
And I'm really good at making excuses for why I'm not writing or why I can put it off another day. I'll even just sit there and kind of stare at a document sometimes and say well I can't think of anything so maybe I'll try again later. And that is not the way that it is supposed to work when it comes to writing and I know that very well. So I guess at this point there is no real excuse. I have to stop doing this to myself. I have to start sitting down and forcing myself to write unlike I have been. Which means working on everything. It'll help in less than two weeks when Camp NaNoWriMo starts. Of course I'll have to kick my butt into gear and write about ten times what I would normally write which is good for me because I think I need it.
I need to start looking at my writing more seriously. I have the free time to do it these days. That is what happens when you get laid off. Not that I'm not still looking for a job. I wouldn't be getting unemployment if I wasn't looking. But when I'm not hunting there is no reason why I can't be writing or editing. I have to get through my novels and start actually getting them ready for a point where I could reasonably publish them which is definitely something that I want. It is a goal that I have never forgotten despite my failings in the area of my writing.
I am getting back into my writing though. Just last night I decided to dust off an old idea and see if I could breath some new life into it. I have actually been doing that quite a bit this year. I am doing that for my Camp novel as well for the novel idea that I am developing for the Two Year Novel Course on FM Writers. So honesty I think that everything is working out really well. Now the key is if I can keep the momentum or not.
And I'm really good at making excuses for why I'm not writing or why I can put it off another day. I'll even just sit there and kind of stare at a document sometimes and say well I can't think of anything so maybe I'll try again later. And that is not the way that it is supposed to work when it comes to writing and I know that very well. So I guess at this point there is no real excuse. I have to stop doing this to myself. I have to start sitting down and forcing myself to write unlike I have been. Which means working on everything. It'll help in less than two weeks when Camp NaNoWriMo starts. Of course I'll have to kick my butt into gear and write about ten times what I would normally write which is good for me because I think I need it.
I need to start looking at my writing more seriously. I have the free time to do it these days. That is what happens when you get laid off. Not that I'm not still looking for a job. I wouldn't be getting unemployment if I wasn't looking. But when I'm not hunting there is no reason why I can't be writing or editing. I have to get through my novels and start actually getting them ready for a point where I could reasonably publish them which is definitely something that I want. It is a goal that I have never forgotten despite my failings in the area of my writing.
I am getting back into my writing though. Just last night I decided to dust off an old idea and see if I could breath some new life into it. I have actually been doing that quite a bit this year. I am doing that for my Camp novel as well for the novel idea that I am developing for the Two Year Novel Course on FM Writers. So honesty I think that everything is working out really well. Now the key is if I can keep the momentum or not.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Coming Back Again
So I decided to swing by my blog today when I realized that I have been failing miserably on my whole goal of writing in this blog once a week. In my own defense I have had some issues with my life that have come up lately, but honestly that should have pushed me closer to writing and not further from it. And I know that looking at it. Logically I can see that, but I guess logic isn't always something that we look at.
Over this last month I was laid off from my job. I loved it. But unfortunately the corporate office decided that there were too many people. None of us had done anything wrong. So they had to resort to the two of us who had been hired last and unfortunately I was one of them. And that has been really hard for me. I know that I have to find a new job, but I haven't been able to find anything.
I have applied, but I haven't been able to get a job yet. And it's affecting me. I know that it is. I didn't even cry or throw a fit when I was laid off. I think I've been burying it. I haven't felt anything at all about it. And I hate that. I know that I should be able to feel something. I know that I should have been upset. The other girl was and I wish that I could have been as well. But I have nothing. It's like I died a little inside instead.
I died and I haven't been able to admit it to myself.
And maybe that is why I haven't been able to get myself to write. I've been so worked up about what I lost and not knowing how to express it that I have virtually stopped writing. I guess I'm still doing some writing. I have been role-playing, but that isn't the same. And I know that. I think it helps that I have started a collaboration project lately. I'm part of a facebook group from a group of us from NaNoWriMo. Myself and one of the other women are working on a fantasy novel together and we have just meshed really well. We both have somehow managed to just combine our ideas brilliantly. It makes for a beautiful process.
And it's really encouraging me too. It makes me want to go back to my writing. That is why I decided that I am going to retry Milwordy. I was supposed to start back in January but I only made it a few days before my brain just kind of gave out on me. So it left me with about twenty-four thousand words for an entire month and that is a rather pathetic accomplishment. At least it is for me. I know that for other people it is really good and I am very proud of them. But for me I know that I can do better.
That's why I am going to be starting another blog. I'll still be using this one and trying to get back to the once a week posting of it. I think it helps me a lot. It helps me to get my thoughts in order since so much of my life revolves around writing. Besides, I like this blog. I enjoy being so frank and just getting to say what's on my mind. I can't really do that in real life. I don't think any of us can because we have to play parts or else we push everyone away. Sometimes because we're too honest and sometimes because we have to admit that they drive us insane.
My parents and my ex-boyfriend (God I wish that ex wasn't there) fit into two different categories there.
Over this last month I was laid off from my job. I loved it. But unfortunately the corporate office decided that there were too many people. None of us had done anything wrong. So they had to resort to the two of us who had been hired last and unfortunately I was one of them. And that has been really hard for me. I know that I have to find a new job, but I haven't been able to find anything.
I have applied, but I haven't been able to get a job yet. And it's affecting me. I know that it is. I didn't even cry or throw a fit when I was laid off. I think I've been burying it. I haven't felt anything at all about it. And I hate that. I know that I should be able to feel something. I know that I should have been upset. The other girl was and I wish that I could have been as well. But I have nothing. It's like I died a little inside instead.
I died and I haven't been able to admit it to myself.
And maybe that is why I haven't been able to get myself to write. I've been so worked up about what I lost and not knowing how to express it that I have virtually stopped writing. I guess I'm still doing some writing. I have been role-playing, but that isn't the same. And I know that. I think it helps that I have started a collaboration project lately. I'm part of a facebook group from a group of us from NaNoWriMo. Myself and one of the other women are working on a fantasy novel together and we have just meshed really well. We both have somehow managed to just combine our ideas brilliantly. It makes for a beautiful process.
And it's really encouraging me too. It makes me want to go back to my writing. That is why I decided that I am going to retry Milwordy. I was supposed to start back in January but I only made it a few days before my brain just kind of gave out on me. So it left me with about twenty-four thousand words for an entire month and that is a rather pathetic accomplishment. At least it is for me. I know that for other people it is really good and I am very proud of them. But for me I know that I can do better.
That's why I am going to be starting another blog. I'll still be using this one and trying to get back to the once a week posting of it. I think it helps me a lot. It helps me to get my thoughts in order since so much of my life revolves around writing. Besides, I like this blog. I enjoy being so frank and just getting to say what's on my mind. I can't really do that in real life. I don't think any of us can because we have to play parts or else we push everyone away. Sometimes because we're too honest and sometimes because we have to admit that they drive us insane.
My parents and my ex-boyfriend (God I wish that ex wasn't there) fit into two different categories there.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
A Question Before the Lightbulb
I finally have a follower!
That really probably shouldn't make me as ridiculously happy as it does, but it does please me and I have to thank her. I know who it is and my lovely co-worker has always rocked like that. But that is not what I wanted to stop by and talk about today. I just wanted to mention that before I actually went on into this particular post itself.
You see, my goal for this year is to write a million words. That would end up at around ten novels give or take the length and such. The only problem has been that I haven't written much of anything for the past few days. I haven't even been able to manage a thousand words. My muse just kind of crawled into a corner and died. I've poked it with a stick and I haven't been able to get any kind of response or residual semblance of life from it at all.
And I have to say that when you have times like this, it can be very disheartening. You look at the documents or the sheets of paper that you have set before yourself and there is absolutely nothing. It is as if the characters inside of you have refused to speak. They have all decided to turn their backs, or worse: simply drift away from you possibly never to return.
It is moments like this when we forget the reason why we always wanted to write in the first place. It is when times are darkest that we always seem to forget what writing really means to us. It becomes more about the process and the forcing out of the words rather than the art of bringing a story or an idea to life. We find ourselves caring more about the end than the means.
There are two ways of thoughts. The end justifies the mean and the means justify the end. It's two very different thought processes. But for a writer, I think you have to have both. For any artist or creator really you cannot have one thought without the other. On the one hand to do anything in your power to create the story or idea you want to build you can lower yourself to things such as plagiarism.
At the same time, you cannot only focus on the writing. When you do that, you become so focused on creating something that isn't real. You want it to be perfect and such a thing is impossible. A story is neither about the beginning nor the end. It is neither about the presentation nor the selling point. Writing is about finding what we have inside of us and letting it free. It is about blending everything together.
Of course when you find yourself becoming too technical you kill the whole the thing which is honestly the point that I think I am getting to about now. And I'm not meaning to. I don't think that we ever mean to really. It is something that just happens. Before we even realize it we lose what we were struggling so hard to find.
Sometimes we just have to go back to the basics.
Everyone seems to think that the basics would refer to grammar and spelling, sentence structure and word choice. And one some level those are a form of the basics. But there is something even more basic and essential than all of that. And it all stems from the question of: why write?
Honestly I think that if you can't answer that question than you need to have a long hard look at yourself. It is the key to everything. Why we write tells us what we write. It tells us what writing makes us and how it makes us feel. It tells us everything that we need to know. And more importantly: it gives us our inspiration. If you don't know why you write why would you ever feel the urge or the need for it? And once you can understand why that is when you can actually look around yourself and find those little things in life that draw you in. The things that make you say: this is what I want to write about or this would make an amazing line or what not.
The why comes before the inspiration. Sometimes you cannot define it. Sometimes you can't even explain it. The why that is. As long as you know it and can explain it to yourself that's all that really matters. No one else ever needs to understand it. The why belongs to you. The inspiration and what it spawns is what you give the world.
That really probably shouldn't make me as ridiculously happy as it does, but it does please me and I have to thank her. I know who it is and my lovely co-worker has always rocked like that. But that is not what I wanted to stop by and talk about today. I just wanted to mention that before I actually went on into this particular post itself.
You see, my goal for this year is to write a million words. That would end up at around ten novels give or take the length and such. The only problem has been that I haven't written much of anything for the past few days. I haven't even been able to manage a thousand words. My muse just kind of crawled into a corner and died. I've poked it with a stick and I haven't been able to get any kind of response or residual semblance of life from it at all.
And I have to say that when you have times like this, it can be very disheartening. You look at the documents or the sheets of paper that you have set before yourself and there is absolutely nothing. It is as if the characters inside of you have refused to speak. They have all decided to turn their backs, or worse: simply drift away from you possibly never to return.
It is moments like this when we forget the reason why we always wanted to write in the first place. It is when times are darkest that we always seem to forget what writing really means to us. It becomes more about the process and the forcing out of the words rather than the art of bringing a story or an idea to life. We find ourselves caring more about the end than the means.
There are two ways of thoughts. The end justifies the mean and the means justify the end. It's two very different thought processes. But for a writer, I think you have to have both. For any artist or creator really you cannot have one thought without the other. On the one hand to do anything in your power to create the story or idea you want to build you can lower yourself to things such as plagiarism.
At the same time, you cannot only focus on the writing. When you do that, you become so focused on creating something that isn't real. You want it to be perfect and such a thing is impossible. A story is neither about the beginning nor the end. It is neither about the presentation nor the selling point. Writing is about finding what we have inside of us and letting it free. It is about blending everything together.
Of course when you find yourself becoming too technical you kill the whole the thing which is honestly the point that I think I am getting to about now. And I'm not meaning to. I don't think that we ever mean to really. It is something that just happens. Before we even realize it we lose what we were struggling so hard to find.
Sometimes we just have to go back to the basics.
Everyone seems to think that the basics would refer to grammar and spelling, sentence structure and word choice. And one some level those are a form of the basics. But there is something even more basic and essential than all of that. And it all stems from the question of: why write?
Honestly I think that if you can't answer that question than you need to have a long hard look at yourself. It is the key to everything. Why we write tells us what we write. It tells us what writing makes us and how it makes us feel. It tells us everything that we need to know. And more importantly: it gives us our inspiration. If you don't know why you write why would you ever feel the urge or the need for it? And once you can understand why that is when you can actually look around yourself and find those little things in life that draw you in. The things that make you say: this is what I want to write about or this would make an amazing line or what not.
The why comes before the inspiration. Sometimes you cannot define it. Sometimes you can't even explain it. The why that is. As long as you know it and can explain it to yourself that's all that really matters. No one else ever needs to understand it. The why belongs to you. The inspiration and what it spawns is what you give the world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)